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| Forgive the length of my rant, but I've been building up to it for a while.
So I may not be graduating. I did not do well on a final and depending on the curve i may fail the class. I figured this might happen. There was only two tests in the class and one was two days before the final, so I could not know how i was doing. I made a C on the first exam, not awful but not good, so I figured I would study more. Apparently that did not help as i did worse on the second exam and even worse on the final. Other classes haven't been so great this semester either, but I figured that would happen.
I was panicked the first few hours, but as I look back on it, I should have seen this coming. The last two years (Junior and Senior year) my science related grades have been getting worse for the most part. I say for the most part because in Mycology last semester even though it required more work than any class this semester or any other semester I still aced the course. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it seemed so easy to make an A in that course while i was struggling for C's in my other science courses. I had to do just as much work in my Drama courses as well and I was making A's in those courses too. Then it hit me.
I fucking hate science. It is the most boring thing ever. I loved the watered down versions of high school and early college courses where you learned about life's processes. I loved the labs in both low and high level courses where i could see the chemical reactions taking place in front of me. I loved mycology because at the end of the day I was going out in the field and doing my own hands-on research to see the results.
But the lecture courses were more than I could take. Listening to a professor drone on for an hour and a half about the twenty different proteins and ten different enzymes that catalyze a reaction to process a specific nutrient in the cell was like nails on a chalkboard to me. I would sit in my room for hours trying to memorize what the differences between DNA Polymerase I, II, and III were and how they affected DNA transcription and translation. But for the life of me I could not retain the knowledge. My mind kept telling me "who cares about this stuff? Are you ever going to use this minute knowledge in the general future? And even if you do, won't you relearn it while your researching it?" It truly was so boring that no amount of caffeine, sleep, or stress could keep my brain focused on learning the knowledge. I was able to get by with word recognition in some of the courses where the exams were multiple choice, but when I'm asked to explain the minute details of the synthesis of DNA in the ribosome and if and where the lacZ protein comes into play, my mind goes blank, i doubt myself, and I panic.
I'm sure whomever is reading this can barely follow the scientific terms i'm using, and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I know I will never go for an advanced degree in a science related field, it'll just be 10 times worse there. I know what I want to do know, and I think i've known for the last year, but what am I supposed to do when I've wasted 3 years of my and my parents' money and time on a major that I've come to realize I despise. I still plan on taking some time off from college, but if I do not graduate with this degree, I will come back, finish the degree later, and also get a degree that really interests me. It will either be changing my minor in Drama to a major, or Journalism, either way I've found they interest me both much more than Biology has the past two years.
Sorry for the length of the rant, but I know where my life is going now. I should have seen it coming a long time ago.
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| Six weeks left until senior year is over. Scary when you think about it.
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| Picked up my cap and gown yesterday. One less thing to do before graduation. One step closer to real life.
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| Mostly my dreams are fun adventures, but the one I had last night was different, and it's still bugging me.
These last few months I've been thinking about what I want to do the rest of my life. Well, I know what I want to do, but I'm afraid to do it.
I've had a safety net for as long as I can remember. If I messed up, it was always easy to fix it. Right now i know that there's someone that if I choose I could spend the rest of my life with. There's also a sure thing that I'll be able to find a job that pays the bills. But I'm pretty sure it's not what i want.
I dreamed last night that I was going out with 2 girls. One was the one I've been dating on and off for the past year, and one is a girl i got along with well from my drama class. I was at the drama girl's house, and basically she told me that if I wasn't going to make a commitment, then she was out of my life forever. She said that she can't wait around forever for me to decide what to do. My mind started thinking that she was the girl i loved, but I had a good relationship with the one i was already dating, and i did not want to lose a stable, albeit unhappy, sure thing when I didn't even know if the relationship was going to work with this new girl i loved. My mind told me that if I didn't take a chance with this girl, I would be unhappy the rest of my life, even if i was with a sweet girl.
I don't think this dream was about dating. For one thing i never really thought about the drama girl as more than a friend. I think this was about my decision on whether or not to pursue acting as a profession. I'm safe right now, it'll be easy to find a job with the Biology major, I'll be financially secure, and i won't have to worry.
But I won't be happy. I'll always regret not taking a chance. I'll always know that i would have enjoyed acting more than any job a biology major could be offered. I'm really fascinated by biology, I enjoy learning about it, but i don't enjoy doing it. I know i'd get bored after a few years with any job i had, whereas i've never been bored with any drama class or production.
I know what i have to do, I'm just afraid to do it.
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| Early next February we will be doing The Laramie Project as our play. It's about the story of Matthew Shepard who was brutally beaten and killed in Laramie, Wyoming in 1998. It should be a wonderful play, but get ready to cry.
Oh, on another note, I understand now what Amy has to go through sometimes when she's watching over us while we drink. I went out with a few girls last night to Dickson St. Taking them home was one of the biggest tests of patience that I have had in a long time. The dancing and talking were fun, but having to carry them around and treat them like children so that they stop acting stupid in public was not. Amy if you ever read this, thank you. And Jesse, since I know you read this, tell her thank you for me as well.
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